9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
