It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
