You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
