Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
