Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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