i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
