Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
