McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
