Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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