my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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