gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
