I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
