Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
