Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
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I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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