the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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