Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
