the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
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I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
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I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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