Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
