Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
