just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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