a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's blow job season.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
