1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think I won the penis lottery.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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