i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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