I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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