I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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