I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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