ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
