"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
