my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
