dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
