my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
