I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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