I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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