Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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