I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
