I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
