I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
