to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
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He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The Olympian is in my bed
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We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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