No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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