PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
