No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
