she was so not down for the gang bang
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
