im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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