I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just puked most of my soul out..
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
