bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
