I've blown a few things in my day
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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