Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
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Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
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MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me