you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
