dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
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Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
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And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol