I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.