I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
