I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
