When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
