is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
