Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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