I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
