I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
did i just pee glitter
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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