i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
