hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
